“We talk about our voices as writers- how they are strong and brave but how as people we are wimps. This is what creates our craziness. The chasm between the great love we feel for the world when we sit and write about it and disregard we give in our own human lives. How Hemmingway could write of the great patience of Santiago in the fishing boat and how Hemmingway himself, when he stepped out of his writing studio, mistreated his wife and drank too much.”
I wrote this down immediately after I had read it. To me, this quote encouraged thoughts of bravery and strength. I contemplated how my writing represents me and how fair that representation is in consideration of the way I carry myself in reality or “beyond the blog” so to speak. It is easier to be decisive in writing. For me personally, writing is an outlet where I can feel strong. One of my favorite quotes, as it were, is ” it is important in life not to necessarily be strong but to feel strong”. This is where I feel strong. This is where I can catch myself thinking and pick it apart. Learn how to improve on myself. Learn the importance of honesty in representation.
Today I was scheduled to meet an adviser at the University to sift through the details of my English degree. While she went out of her office to photo copy my course history, I sat and waited in her pristine white office. The shutters of her 11th floor office space were open. Blue sky. I felt like I was in summer school again. I used to take Physics courses during the summer (two consecutive summers) to avoid taking it in high school. My Physics professor always had the windows opened. Old building painted white on the inside, open windows, minimal items, discolored posters, and the smell of sharpened pencils. Fabulous nostalgia. While I watched the blinds gently tap the window with every breeze, I felt safe and as though I was doing the right thing. I was right where I needed to be. Inquiring about writing. Giving myself time to develop my thoughts. I’m here for me. My best friend is waiting outside in the hall for me. These years won’t last long. Appreciate the process.
Although I have lived in Calgary most of my life (with the exception of the past two years) I know nothing about our city’s university. I know it is huge. One word: huge. In the past I have been very overwhelmed by the prospect of transferring universities. For very personal reasons, I have been reluctant in the recent past to allow myself to truly be excited over the prospect of continuing and ultimately finishing post secondary school here in Calgary. For one, I had the intention of finishing my education elsewhere because I promised myself that I would. Second, I met people, one person particular, that I do not want to be apart from. For these specific and personal reasons I have not allowed myself to fully accept this change. If anything, I have resented the consequences of “change” and transition. I have not been satisfied with these particular changes and therefore I have not truly accepted them.
Now and then we can recognize the source of our happiness in life or lack of. In consideration of “the source” we either honor it or do not. We either work to improve our attitude or sink in despair, blowing out candles and tossing pennies into “lucky” waters. Most of the time our happiness doesn’t rely on hope, although it absolutely can. However, I believe it stems from the tangible- from reality. What is real are the choices that we make. The source of those choices are usually (hopefully) made by the individual heart.
The changes that I have come to endure and have pretended to fully accept and respect, have occurred because of decisions I have made. Influenced or not, bold or timid, this is my reality. I have tentatively accepted the potential of the next two years. Tentatively. This is my demise.
I could be stronger. Rather than telling you that I want to finish school as soon as possible so I can return to a place that I’ve grown comfortable with, I could tell you that I’m thrilled to meet new people, learn new things, and find out the possibilities in those “new things”. I could see the world as a student. I could learn a new language. I could have more people to rely on and to support. I could write “better” poetry (for lack of a… better word). I could tutor younger students in the art of English. I could strive for fulfillment and not just consider it as an option.
Living with regret, guilt, worry and wishes is highly dangerous in my opinion. It is life threatening. You could be stronger. You could be healthier. You could be so enlightened. You could be conversational and diverse.
It clicked that I have been weak since the reality of change struck. I didn’t truly accept change, rather I resented it and therefore could not accept or perceive possibilities in it. “I wish I were there”. And just like so, I avoided the “here” and “dreamed” about the day that I would be “there”. I had two years down the line, rehearsed in my mind. Imagine wanting something situational two years from now. How ignorant of the present. How insecure!
The present is all that exists. Literally. Exists.
While walking the new campus, I was in awe of its beauty. Sarah, my map, had shown me the book store, the library, the coffee shops, concert halls, and the travel agency for students. A flight to Paris: $449. Taxes to be included. It gave me a thrill. I could learn here. I could strive here. I could achieve something as great as standing underneath the Eiffel tower. That flight is accessible.
Sarah showed me where she went to organize her semester in Amsterdam abroad. And it gave me goosebumps. I couldn’t stop smiling. Here was my best friend navigating me around a campus that we’ve both come to love and hate for the very particular reason that it has segregated us from being with our significant others. Being enrolled in this particular university has brought change.
I am proud of her for pursuing her dreams, regardless of how difficult it has been. It’s tempting to follow love and forget the kind that makes up your dreams. I think both Sarah and I know just how tempting it is to leave a dream that won’t prove real til five or six years have passed. Perhaps most students do, now that I consider it. It would be nice if everything came into bloom. Rather, here we are cultivating ourselves, sometimes absent of sunlight, finding light and growth in reassuring embraces that have overcome distance and time.
A dream inevitably implies obstacles. Only in sarcasm do obstacle-free dreams exist.
I am fortunate and truly blessed to have a best friend that shows me what bravery and strength looks like. It’s not ignoring change, resenting it, or partially accepting the idea of it but disagreeing with it nonetheless. Bravery and strength, as Sarah has showed me, is accepting change willingly. To surrender to it and make the most of it. And Sarah has made the most of it. Incredible grades, a friend to all she meets, a beautiful relationship with her love, and an outstanding reputation at work- she is what motivates me to accept change. Because if we don’t, we live foolishly. We miss out on the things we want the most or perhaps the one thing: happiness.
It isn’t important to necessarily be strong- but to feel strong. I think the latter can work magic. In preaching, through writing, the importance of strength, happiness, and love, which I usually write about, I believe it’s time that I put my words into perspective. I’m not Hemmingway and I don’t want to be. Here, in writing, is where we can feel strong- out there, is where we can be strong. Our lives are not fiction, though for the distracted, like Hemmingway, they can be. Live honesty and reality. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Fiction or reality, we can’t afford to be afraid. Ending’s are always the same when we’re afraid. Maybe we just need to listen to ourselves now and then. I wonder what would have happened if Hemmingway did just that.
Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will roll away
Maybe I won’t be so afraid
I will understand everything has its plan
Either way
-Wilco
