The initial realization that “things” have changed provides the most frightening and daunting feeling one could begin to understand. In any relationship, say a boyfriend or girlfriend, this is perhaps the most unnerving realization, especially if it is not a mutual one. Heartbreak. Responsibility. Unknown.
In the context of a friendship, it is simply tragic when things are lost and beyond repair. Calls grow infrequent, and the things we are bursting to share with that particular friend, ends up burning into oblivion among the cloud of many things that will always be left unsaid. Lonely. Independent. Unknown.
The bonds solidified in family. What happens when one recognizes what he or she wants is vastly different from what others want for them? Differences in family, so I’ve seen, are either understood and respected or not at all. I believe this to be true on account of the many people I know who are segregated from and by their families on account of mild difference. I find in moments of misunderstood difference, the things that excite or inspire me the most are repressed in conversation. I save it for that cloud of oblivion. Now this does not happen all the time for I am incredibly blessed with a family that attempts to understand the things that they initially do not. But there are times, no doubt, in every family where intensely personal or excitable things are left unsaid because they are better left untouched by commentary or critique. Some things we’d rather enjoy in privacy. Caution. Respect. Unknown.
We grow and we grow to find that the things that once comforted us or made us feel earth bound can alienate us in one respect or another and inspire feelings so strong that any place but the present one occupied would provide a greater sense of comfort. A new place, unlike a past one, is unknown and therefore not comparable to change. I find the experience of returning to a past place to be discouraging, as though I’m supposed to fade into who I used to be and laugh at the jokes that just don’t make sense anymore. I have changed just as the people who I thought I knew have. I suppose the art and beauty in this sort of repression and state of standstill, is to create the new in the old. To accept that abandonment is an opportunity to fly. Find something new. Find something very “you”.
Two years happens to be a long time when you leave a so-called “place” to pursue another. Perhaps my future ambitions were taken personally by the friends I had to leave, in a way, in this past place. I really do not know but things have immensely changed. I’ve deliberated over this for the past week or so. Me or them? How about both. How about “it happens” or how about “it’s suppose to”. People that we love or wanted to love for seemingly endless days, come and go. Perhaps it’s not a reflection of myself but perhaps nature or destiny itself. What can I say? I’m a victim of incredible change. We usually are.
The link below was sent to me by Noah. In evaluation of it, if change is my problem, here’s how to solve it:
http://www.illuminatedmind.net/2008/12/11/the-best-way-to-solve-a-problem-give-up/
